Monday, October 27, 2008
Raw Mom
Wowza. Be forewarned that this post falls entirely under the "motherhood" category, and it may not be G-rated. I am just back from our trip to Denver and am feeling utterly defeated by my toddler. As my husband puts it, she is in charge right now (gee, thanks honey!). I had a moment this morning at the Denver airport, after racing across what must be MILES of terminal, escalators and interminable check in and security lines, where I saw myself from the outside and this little voice inside my head said, I never thought I'd be one of those people. I was about 100 feet from our gate, NUMBER EIGHTY SEVEN, dragging a screaming and crying Morgane by one arm and trying to run as they called our name on the overhead right there along with the final boarding call announcement. It was a scene right out of some bad parenting movie. Upon arriving at the gate, the airline employee asked me to "allow your daughter to calm down" before we boarded the plane. I just about burst into tears as I fully realized what all this looked like to her - frazzled, out of control mother practically abusing her child, late for the plane due to lack of poor planning. My own damn fault. Well, in my defense had I known our gate was #87, perhaps I would have had us leave for the airport earlier than 6 am (which already felt pretty early to me). On the plane, I was overcome with remorse at behaving like a crazy person and expecting Morgane to understand the urgency behind not missing our flight. I was overcome with remorse for the anger I felt at her for holding us back. I played the scene over and over again in my head and beat myself up for not handling it with more grace. Hours later and back home, I am still feeling raw as I plow through all the post-trip busywork to be done. I am trying to give myself a break for being human. What an ending to four days of blissful self-reflection on the yoga mat...hhhmmmm. Perhaps it would have been worse had I not had all the yoga. In my last post I mentioned the "raw and pure emotions" of a 3 year old...well, the emotions of motherhood are pretty raw too. Moms, I would welcome your input on this...
Phew! You made it: congratulations! I know of no other situation that is as challenging for moms than traveling by air. It combines so much: interrupted schedules which are so important to our little ones; unfamiliar places; the necessity to travel with enough stuff that you feel like a pack mule; the boredom of your child and your boredom as you try to keep her amused by reading a book you've read 4,333 times already; the stress of rushing; and, in my opinion the scariest one: being on public display. Your child's misbehavior is witnessed by everyone held captive in the plane with you AND you KNOW that they're all looking at YOU thinking "Sheesh, can't that mom control her child?" And to that when you lose it (and we ALL do it, Margaret) and everyone witnesses you speak harsh words and grab a little arm a bit to aggressively.
ReplyDeleteHow on earth can you NOT end up having one of those mommy moments that you just want to forget, forget, forget.
OK, so all that is to say that it happens to us all, and it's horrible. Among all the people you think were looking at you and Morgane with distain were a bunch of fellow parents who felt a wagonload of sympathy for you. They're sympathy (empathy, really)is what you can/should turn to now.
Every parent has said something she wished she hadn't to her child. Every parent has used mean words, pulled/dragged unwilling bodies through public places, made the mistake of overestimating the time it would take to get somewhere. You just can't beat yourself up over it NOW.
The Buddhist in me is telling you that guilt and shame are destructive emotions. Check out this guy's blog: http://thebuddhistblog.blogspot.com/2007/03/guilt-shame-and-buddhist-practice.html. He puts it beautifully, and I've referred to this page often.
(If you feel the need to atone, you can sit down with Morgane tomorrow and talk about what happened, but honestly, she's 3, and she's moved on. Kids are great that way: they live in the moment and don't dwell on past emotions or things they should have said or done differently.)
Even yogis have moments they aren't proud of. To every yin there's a yang. For every time you have one of those beautiful parenting moments where your heart just sings because you are so connected with your child and you're just high on the fact that you made her and she's so lovely, you have a moment where you feel like a failure and that she's going to end up in prison some day.
So, my dear Margaret, I give you permission to let the whole incident go for now. Fish it up later when a fellow mom needs some normalizing when her son pitches a fit in a shopping mall in front of a bunch of people.
I send you many hugs, a smooch on the cheek, and I bow to the light in your heart.
Namaste,
Meg
OK, I re-read this, and I really need to learn to proofread. Must have had something to do with the "Mom, Mom, MOM, MOM!!!!!!!!???????????" in the background.
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU Meg, for putting things in perspective for me!!!
ReplyDelete