Meet Cowgirl Yogini Su

I'm thrilled to introduce Su, one of our four Cowgirls vs. Cancer scholarship recipients for this summer. I hope you will be as inspired as I am by the grace and strength of these cowgirl yoginis. Yeehaw and Namaste.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in June, 2010. I started aggressive dose dense chemotherapy (every 2 weeks) in July. My last chemo was in November, followed by a lumpectomy and axillary node dissection, and lastly 6 weeks of radiation.

I am 39, with 4 sisters, 11 nieces/nephews, amazing friends, and 1 cat that uses the toilet! I am a psychologist in Oakland, CA, where youth are expected to be shot or go to jail, vs. graduating. I foster dogs that are about to be euthanized at kill shelters. I was raised by my uncle, aunt, and 4 cousins (now my sisters). My mother died when I was 4, and my father when I was 11. I have grown up being a survivor, a warrior. I wrote this update to family and friends after my second round of chemo: "I wish I could say inspiring things, like woo hoo, I am kicking cancer's ass, etc., but truthfully, I am not sure why everyone uses language like 'fight' and 'battle', because I don't feel that is the case at all. I don't feel like any soldier I've seen in the movies. I feel terrified, quiet, and passive; as though I have already been beat down, and I am quietly turning my head and closing my eyes, wishing I was far away. Last night, I dreamt I was a super hero. I was BIG! Like Godzilla, and I saved a childcare center from a big earthquake. I was strong. Then I woke up, looked at myself in the mirror, and remembered."

I love horses. In truth, I have not had enough time with horses, but I would ride and be with them every day if I could. I have always felt a special, peaceful connection to them. For me, horses hold magical powers of healing. I worked at a residential treatment center for severely abused children, and we had a ranch onsite. I wish I did more yoga. I wish it to be part of my life practice. Yoga means strength and awareness to me. I want to build back my relationship with my body so that I can trust its strength again. My update in February 2011: "Chemo done. Surgery done. Radiation done. First yoga session in months and my legs and arms are shaking and I am sweating. But it feels good. Pure. And I am grateful".

Having cancer has been beyond "challenging". More than taking my health, cancer has taken a part of who I am: my light, my spunk, and my voice. I want the chance to heal, to connect to a strong source of grace (horses), and reconnect to strength in my own body (yoga). For me, "yeehaw" and "Namaste" mean the same thing: gratitude.

Confessions of a reformed non-chanter

Chanting is asana for the heart.

- Ram Dass

Way back when, I was mortified to chant in yoga class. I'm not going to lie - I don't have a great voice. I mean, I can be loud for sure, I can express myself verbally no problem, but it just doesn't sound like music to anyone's ears. So, chanting in my first yoga classes took me back to junior high tryouts for choir and never seeing my name on the 'made it' list. I went along with it, but only when I knew that the other voices in the room would carry my weak little warble along with them. If the class was small, my heart rate would jump with fear when the instructor announced we'd be chanting OM. I do also remember one day that we sang row row row your boat, and thought that was sort of fun...but other than that, not my fondest yoga memories.

I'm a reformed non-chanter. I LOVE it now. I think over ten years of developing my voice through teaching in all kinds of situations has helped. Or maybe it's just gotten better with age...but I can feel that my voice is stronger. Every once in awhile I croak, but it doesn't mortify me like it used to. And chanting is a big part of Jivamukti yoga, which if you follow this blog, you know is where I started my yoga practice and where I just spent a lot of time practicing in London the first half of this year. Chanting felt cleansing, healing, powerful. I liked how I sounded, how it made me feel. I will confess to being a wee bit jealous of the beautiful voices my teachers there had, and wishing I was not "missing" this component in what I have to offer as a yoga teacher.

This past weekend on our Cowgirl Yoga Ranch Camp, after our last yoga practice one of the women asked me why some teachers chant and others, like me, do not. I may have made great strides in my attitude towards chanting, but it's quite rare for me to lead one when I teach. I answered her honestly about my voice insecurity, and - shocker - then I actually asked her and the group if they would like to chant. They said yes. And guess what - I didn't freak out! I belted out OM, they joined, and it felt so wonderful that we added two more. I was proud that after all these years teaching, I finally led a confident chant. And you know what? I think it may have even sounded a bit nice. Namaste.

Yoga, Horses & Hula Hoops

Here are more photos from last weekend's LUXE Cowgirl Yoga retreat, courtesy of the always-amazing Larry Stanley. I'm a little proud of my horse Dude Boy, who appeared in quite a few, showing off his gorgeous side. Check out more pix on Larry's blog. Enjoy!

Laid-back Luxury

Just back from our first Cowgirl Yoga retreat this season, what a fabulous few days of laid-back luxury at the Double T River Ranch. Despite epic water levels in Montana right now (flooding, rain, flooding, more rain), we were blessed with some beautiful weather for LUXE CY. I had been a bit nervous about getting back in the saddle - both literally, and with my yoga teaching, since I took a long sabbatical in London...but both felt soooo good and natural. As usual, I was amazed by this group of lovely Cowgirl Yoginis and the feeling of instant connection among us. We spent the long weekend deepening this bond, our yoga practice, and our horse-human connection, and savoring gourmet meals, spectacular birdwatching, and rainbows (the picture above of us dining al fresco has not been photoshopped). I. Love. My. Job. Yeehaw & Namaste.

hOMe again

Sooooo good to be hOMe in Montana! After a 2-day trip (don't ask) and a few days of jet-lag, I feel like we're settling back in. Got reacquainted with the dogs, our house, driving on the right side of the road. Soaking up being surrounded by wide open spaces again, mountains (still snow-capped! photos above of the Spanish Peak and Bridger ranges), and nature (photo above of elk herd behind our house). When we were leaving the airport after landing in Bozeman the other day, 5 year old opened her window, leaned her head out, and said, "ahhhhh, nature." I couldn't have said it better myself.

As I think I've mentioned before, good travel changes you. I was wondering what it would feel like to be home after six months of amazing journeys, how I would see things, what would have changed. Although I've been disoriented the last few days, and wanting to move things along so I would feel more grounded, I also realized that this was just part of the process. The moving dust will settle. Old routines are re-appearing effortlessly, but I now have the perspective to examine them in a different light. All the old toys 5 year old left behind are being rediscovered as if they were brand new; I'm feeling the same way about my clothes. Most of all, I've gained a new layer of appreciation for the place I call home...and I was already head-over-heels in love with Montana.

I've also been reconnecting with friends and colleagues, going over plans for the start of the retreat season (next Thursday June 9 is the official kick-off!). There is, however, one divine being I haven't seen yet...my horse. I get butterflies in my stomach when I think about our upcoming reunion. Stay tuned for my report on getting back in the saddle, and hitting the ground cantering for Cowgirl Yoga! Yeehaw & Namaste.